Learning to Function in the Dysfunctional “Real World” (Escape from Borderline Personality Disorder)

One of the most important steps I have taken to lessen the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is to REALIZE that we collectively inhabit a world that is by-and-large sick and dysfunctional. In other words, I have embraced the reality that we as humans have mostly decided to structure our lives (in particular economically, financially, and materially, etc.) such that healthy childhood brain development, mental health and relational health are unconsciously, but ruthlessly, undervalued. It’s so sick and dysfunctional in this way, and yet we have become so accustomed to living like this, we don’t even realize we are doing it.

How are these essential areas of human health undervalued? We (as humans) prioritize the gathering of money, power, rewards, and material items OVER AND ABOVE health-related matters as we choose – or perhaps more accurately “are forced” – to conform to an industrialized capitalistic system. We unquestioningly and relentlessly keep our priorities in this manner, regardless of any mental health or relational consequences that may result. And when we do experience mental health or relational problems, we look for something other than our priorities issue to blame. It has truly become our default way of being human whenever there is large-scale buying and selling involved. In fact, we don’t even know any other way, unless we take specific steps to learn, to self-reflect, and to wake up, and finally, to come out of our deep state of unconsciousness.

The reason that this type of “realizing” helps to reduce the suffering of BPD is that our mindset becomes more realistic, and so the emotional suffering is reduced, big time. When we unrealistically assume (or believe) that our emotions and mental health “should” matter to most people living with us in an individualistic culture, then we will experience frustration and disappointment (or harder emotions) over and over again.

Most of the people we live with in an individualistic culture are unquestioningly and relentlessly focused on figuring out how to pay bills, make more money, and get more rewards and material things. Most of the people we live with are therefore NOT primarily focused on being mindful of maintaining mental health and relationships. Even when people claim to hold values and morals that could potentially or temporarily influence their behavior in other directions, the push and pull of needing and wanting more money, more power, more rewards, and acquiring more material items remains the dominant motivational force.

This way of prioritizing life activities translates into many people (or most people) having very little capacity, knowledge, and ability for meeting important human emotion and connection needs. In fact, human needs for emotional understanding and connection become largely irrelevant when priorities are so strictly set on economy OVER AND ABOVE mind/body health. Connection and emotional needs tend to become irrelevant not because they aren’t important to meet, but rather because the bulk of human energy is directed towards meeting the needs of economy, and very little energy is therefore left over to invest in learning and practicing how to meet these other needs.

People get worn out through giving so much to economy, and so if there is any complaining about other need areas not being met, it may be viewed as “unrealistic” or even as though a person is “asking too much”. People also get “trained” to believe that economy is literally all that really matters because taking our focus off economy could result in losing money, power, rewards, and material items. Considered yet another way, meeting human connection and emotional needs may be viewed as necessary to sacrifice (to give up) so that “the higher/more important” economic needs NEVER get neglected.

In many instances a person with higher emotional and connection needs, such as someone who ends up suffering with BPD, realizes that she is almost entirely on her own for meeting these needs, even in the context of presumably accommodating circumstances (e.g., living with family or partner). It is a sad realization when it becomes clear that these human need areas are not properly recognized as being important (even though they are important). At the same time, however, this sad realization is easier to deal with than thinking (or believing) you are not worth connecting-with, loving, supporting, etc. in the ideal sense.

We can validate our own sadness feelings through understanding and viewing the world and people for what they really are… for the most part, programmed and unaware of their programming and lack of awareness. Fighting against our sadness feelings and refusing to accept this reality for what it is can easily result in reactive/protest behaviours, thus making a difficult situation even harder to bear than it already is.

If you struggle with BPD and react to your emotions and need areas going unmet, then you are probably also getting used to the experience of the people in your life becoming more distant and rejecting as you go portray your emotional resistance. The people around you… most likely programmed into a western industrialized/capitalistic/individualistic culture… cannot and will not help you gain this realization so you can find peace. How could they possibly know how to help you!? You can only make this realization for yourself. Please do take this notion seriously. The consequences of fighting this reality will no doubt include paying the emotional and associated life-drama consequences over and over again. Your choice.

One last point about making this realization is that it supports you in having more choice in what you take seriously (and personally) and what you do not. For instance, when you experience the lack of capacity people have for making healthy connections and understanding feeling, you can recognize that even though you may be interpreting the situation to mean “I am not worth connecting with and working through feeling with” (and so also strongly feeling low-worth) it does not have to mean, in fact, you ARE a low-worth person. This is what is called “separating a thought from a fact” and likewise “separating a feeling from a fact”. It is not a fact that “you are low-worth” even though you may think and feel this way at times because of the way people function in the world as it is.